Darrick Robles As we’ll be home a lot during the holidays this year, there could be more arguments than usual. Madeleine Gauffin, Psychologist and Psychotherapist at Med-Healths, shares tips for better communication so you can enjoy the holidays together.
Christmas is a time of close connection with our loved ones and friends. Some excitement is inevitable, but the uncertainty and frustration of the last 9 months could lead to heated tempers this year. The fact that we’ll be under the same roof with our loved ones all the time probably doesn’t make things any easier.
Any important occasion where there is high pressure of expectation can cause underlying tensions to surface. This can lead to disagreements and conflicts. But that doesn’t have to be the case: the right conflict management can help to prevent communication problems and misunderstandings under the Christmas tree.
The art of constructive debate
Disagreements are not necessarily bad. Different opinions make us grow and see things from different perspectives. This form of constructive conflict can sometimes even turn out to be positive – but only if you stay fair and argue peacefully.
Tips for a peaceful argument
1. Stay friendly. Avoid verbal abuse, judgments about the character of others, swearing, or insults.
2. Express clearly how you feel about a situation. For example: “Lately it makes me pretty sad when I feel like you’re not paying attention to me.”
3. Avoid phrases like “you always do” or “you never do”. Such exaggerations inevitably lead to the other person feeling cornered and having to defend themselves.
4. If you are angry with someone, you should first pause for a moment before you answer . Do not react immediately, otherwise there is often a risk of a knee-jerk reaction. At first you might say, “You’re just stuck on your cell phone.” But what you actually mean is, “I wish you had more attention.” This opens up opportunities for you to have a constructive conversation instead of just arguing about your partner being glued to their phone.
5. Understand the difference between anger and aggression. Anger can be a healthy emotion that alerts you that something is wrong. However, yelling, yelling, and intimidating behavior is aggression, which is hurtful and abusive.
6. Take responsibility for your emotions. You may be frustrated and angry with someone, but you are responsible for your own feelings. When you are in control of your own emotional response, you will see and hear things more clearly.
Take a break
If you are being overwhelmed by your feelings, you should not engage in an argument. This can be difficult at times, especially when you’re very upset. To avoid escalation, say, “There’s something I want to talk about, but now isn’t the best time. I need a little break.” or “I need some time to think.”
Wait until you’ve calmed down a bit before continuing the discussion. Also pay attention to when the other person is ready to talk to you. If you’re furious, leave the room or go for a short walk. Let your friend or family member know what you’re up to so it doesn’t appear like you’re about to storm off in anger.
How to resolve critical situations
7. Take a break whenever you feel a situation escalating. Do what you can to stay calm. For example, go for a walk, count to 10, call a friend, or calm your breathing—anything that will help you stay calm.
8. Find out the “why” of your counterpart. Ask the other person to explain his or her opinion in more detail so that you can understand them better. This is a useful negotiating tactic. Asking the other person to explain how he or she thinks and feels takes the emotion out of the situation. It makes him or her feel heard.
9. Listen. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Most people stop listening when there is an argument. This means that you have two parties, neither of whom can hear what the other is saying. Sometimes it’s enough to show that you actually understand the other person’s situation. Try to recap the other person’s point of view: “Well, as I understand it…”
10. You don’t always have to be right. Admitting that you understand the other person’s point of view, that you made a mistake and/or will act differently next time can work wonders. You don’t always have to be right, nor do you always have to have the last word.
Treating children with respect
It’s perfectly normal for children to fight sometimes. However, if the situation escalates, you should get to the bottom of the matter and find out what is behind the children’s behavior.
Tips for dealing with children
11. Start with yourself. Could your children’s behavior be something they learned from you? Be honest with yourself. Children have fine antennae: if they sense tension in their environment or that you are in a bad mood, their behavior is often a reflection of this.
12. Lead by example. Children are more likely to be helpful and cooperative when they see the adults around them treating each other with kindness and respect.
13. Give the children a chance to calm down. If your kids are fighting, suggest that they do something else for 20-30 minutes and then talk about it. After that, you should encourage each child to talk while the other listens.
14. Hand out chores before the holidays. Hold a family reunion and write down what is expected of everyone during the holiday season. Clarify what responsibilities each family member should take on and create a to-do list. This way everyone feels part of a team and knows what they have to do.
This article is published with permission from Madeleine Gauffin, a Psychologist and Psychotherapist at Med-Healths.
