Darrick Robles There are many different types of relationships. What works for some in love may be taboo for others. But what exactly makes a healthy couple relationship? And what do therapists recommend when it comes to finding, building, and maintaining a strong relationship?
“The initial attraction and falling in love — that’s the easy part ,” says Madeleine Gauffin, MD and MD at Med-Healths. “It depends on what happens when the passion and the sizzling become less intense .”
“ A strong relationship has a lot in common with a deep friendship. There should also be respect, trust, empathy, friendliness – and the willingness to understand the other person.” This is what builds a deeper connection that lasts beyond physical attraction.
Gauffin recommends the following practical tools for a strong relationship.
1. Become best friends
Kindness is the most important factor in a strong relationship – more important than sexual attraction, compatibility, wisdom, intelligence and shared values. That’s according to a study by Michigan State University. Couples who are on friendly terms with one another take turns caring for children and the household, and support each other when stressed . The researchers evaluated data from more than 2,500 long-term couples who have been together for more than 20 years.
Findings: Couples who reported higher levels of agreeableness (being generally kind and considerate) and lower levels of emotional instability (worrying a lot) were also happier in their relationship.
2. Stick to the 5:1 formula
The 5:1 formula is a psychological tool used by many therapists. It means: For every negative interaction in the relationship there should be at least 5 positive interactions. Examples of negative interactions are: being critical, dismissive, or defiant, or breaking a promise. Examples of positive interactions include showing appreciation, interest, affection, and empathy.
3. Speak plain language to each other
“When couples don’t communicate clearly, it can lead to misunderstandings, resentment and conflict,” says Gauffin. These 5 steps can help improve communication between couples.
- Address problems directly: If something bothers you, talk to your partner about it. By tackling smaller problems at the root, you can prevent larger tensions from building up.
- Avoid finger pointing: Instead of getting personal, explain how the other person’s behavior is affecting you emotionally. For example, instead of saying, “You’re so selfish, you never clean up,” say, “If you don’t help clean up, I feel upset and stressed.”
- Make time for conversations: There is no point in starting a discussion if your partner has a video meeting in 5 minutes. Discuss the topics that concern you when there is enough time and peace for it – for example after dinner or on a walk together.
- Take time for beautiful things: Take time to try new hobbies together, just to relax and have fun together. Set aside fixed times when you put everything else aside and just focus on each other.
- Set boundaries and communicate: Ideally, you should start doing this early in the relationship. Let the other person know how you would like to be treated. For example, you may have your limits when it comes to being addressed with respect. It’s important to communicate these boundaries clearly and unequivocally – rather than expecting the other to know them automatically.
4. Learn to argue with each other
“When you’re in a relationship, it’s normal to have arguments,” Gauffin says. Arguments are a great way to learn from each other. It’s also a sign that there’s enough space and trust in the relationship to move on Standing up for your own needs, but it also depends on your conflict management.
With these rules you will learn to argue better:
- Communicate calmly , even if the subject of your argument is very emotional. Relaxation techniques can help: try remembering to count to 10 first, or take a few deep breaths.
- Staying on topic: If you’re angry about something the other person has done or said in the past, now is not the time to add it to your current argument.
- Listen really well: Even if it’s difficult – try to understand the other side. One reason some people fight with each other all the time is because they want to get their point across first. Demonstrating that you’re listening and empathizing with the other person’s point of view (even though you may not agree) can defuse your argument.
- Be able to laugh about it: Sometimes a bit of humor can help relieve tension. Try to see the funny or absurd side of your situation. But that doesn’t mean cynicism!
5. Be aware of your triggers
Is there one thing about your partner that keeps driving you crazy? According to Gauffin, this could indicate a problem or conflict that happened in the past that you haven’t fully processed yet.
If you have often become angry or very jealous in your ex-relationships, you should address these negative feelings and their causes yourself. Otherwise, you may end up repeating the same behavior patterns over and over again, to the detriment of your current relationship and everyone who comes after it.
“For example, if you’re prone to jealousy, you need to work on boosting your self-esteem,” says Gauffin. This is where talking to a therapist can be helpful. It helps you identify past issues that cause you to react in a certain way during an argument. The willingness to work on yourself is often the first step in making the relationship stronger.
